Yesterday I watched a rerun of House since nothing else was on. I only caught the end of the episode, but a subplot involved a supposedly “asexual” couple. Wilson thought they seemed happy, but House was convinced something was wrong. Of course, the man actually had a brain tumor causing low libido and erectile dysfunction, and meanwhile, the girl was sleeping around on him but pretending she was “asexual.” I’m sure it’s been discussed before, but I had never seen this episode until yesterday.

I suppose, on some level, it helps that they discussed asexuality on a popular TV show, but then again, they discussed it and then basically tried to say it doesn’t exist. No one outright said that, of course, but the whole thing was based upon the woman lying and not being asexual, and the man being ill and not being asexual. On the other hand, I think Wilson did use the phrase “sexual orientation” rather than “health problem.”

The moral of the story is apparently: We could all be “fixed” if we got the brain tumors suppressing our libido removed…

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Gyno visits, etc

Since starrynight mentioned this, it’s another thing that weirds me out on aven. People who are horrified of anyone looking at their parts.

I no longer feel like a hypocrite saying this, because I have a pap smear scheduled in 3 weeks. It’s been a while though. And sure, it has been said that if you’re not having sex, you aren’t at high risk. That’s one reason people don’t get one. Another reason I didn’t was a longtime lack of health insurance.

But that’s not what I mean: what I mean is the horror of letting anyone see your parts. If you don’t even use them for sexytimes, then why even view them as sexual and get weirded out? In my mind, a pap smear is about on the same level as a dental exam: vaguely unpleasant, but nothing to freak out about.

I guess what I don’t get is the being horrified or ashamed of one’s body. Also, I think it’s way creepy to think there is anything sexual about getting yourself checked out down there. In fact, the receptionist asked if I had a preference as to which doctor did it, or if I wanted to request that it was a woman, and I said no. I don’t care. It’s a medical exam. It doesn’t last that long. I mean, just last year I had a colonoscopy. I was under general anesthesia and doctors stuck a camera UP MY BUTT. While I was passed out, there was a camera in my butt. Since that didn’t bother me at all, I can’t imagine being too upset by a swab in my vagina.

But again, I’d like to reiterate that asexuality is not necessarily the same thing as hating your body or being ashamed of being naked/partially naked.

The main thing that still annoys me about doctor visits is the assumption I am sexually active, however. It’s just an annoyance for me. I was on meds that are VERY BAD for fetuses, so they had to ask to make sure, but being asked repeatedly annoys me. I’m seeing a new dermatologist in 2 days and I wonder how that’ll go. I have bad skin problems, and have even been on chemotherapy drugs for them. I’m sure this will involve wearing a tiny gown and being looked up and down while half nude. Another problem is they ask when my last period was, to ascertain if I might be pregnant. I lie sometimes because mine are NEVER regular. Sometimes I get 2 in a month, sometimes I go 6 months without one. I don’t want birth control pills because hormonal drugs have already screwed up my life enough, and I don’t need any more side effects to deal with. I remember my old GP, she kept trying to get me on BC, and when I kept refusing, she just asked, “Are you a lebsian?” Um, no. I am not. I’m just not having sex with anybody, male or female.

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I don’t want to look at that!

When the issue of public nudity comes up on internet forums, someone always chimes in with “What if people are old/fat/ugly? Why do they think that’s attractive?” This seems to show that people think nudity must always be attractive, and cannot be neutral and unsexual. This seems very unhealthy to me. Even if you’re sex-obsessed, I don’t see why you would look at every body out there to see if you’d like to fuck it. If you’re a twenty year old man, there’s no reason to sexually judge, say, a seventy year old woman by the same standards you’d judge a young woman you just met at the bar.

I’m not the most PC person ever, but I think it’s insane to push your own aesthetic standards on everyone. Who is to say what’s good looking? If you don’t like the way a person looks, don’t look at them. And the people who bitch about other people’s looks often are not supermodels themselves.

I used to think it was a problem with just “sexuals” but AVEN has proved me wrong again. I think it’s just that people are often naturally mean and like nothing better than to make fun of others for no good reason. On that note, I also find it amazing that people can be disgusted by their own genitals and have no curiosity about them whatsoever. I can’t understand being horrified by parts of your own body. Even if you aren’t gonna use them to have sex, you are going to use them for excretory functions, and it’s good to know stuff about them to make sure they are healthy. Likewise, I don’t know why people are so horrified of going to the gynecologist. I don’t see getting a checkup there are any more intrusive or embarrassing than having a doctor look up my nose or in my ears.

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Watching TV clips

I’ve been watching some of the stuff on youtube, clips from interviews with David Jay and so on, and it’s so depressing. Even on The View, the first thing he says is the definition on AVEN, and immediately they all jump to the idea that asexuality is the same as celibacy. It’s also damn depressing when they say “Why organize?” or “What’s there to talk about?” concerning asexuality. Hello, erasure! WTF? Apparently, being asexual means you have no problems regarding sexuality and relationships, and that is not true. I know it’s to be expected, and I probably shouldn’t even watch, but still… amazing how people’s reactions are.

And why do they care so much about the sex lives of other people? (Or lack thereof.) I don’t understand the belittling and attacking and pathologizing. And I hate the “How would you know if you haven’t had sex?” I’ve had sex, and I still don’t miss it. It’s lack of sexual attraction, not lack of sexual experience.

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Why do they care?

One thing I hate is being treated as mentally defective. I always got good grades and was considered the “smart one” in my family, so this wasn’t usually a big problem. At least, not unless someone is talking about sexuality.

It took me time to realize this, but I’m not socially deficient. Relatives call me “backwards” and this makes me want to punch them in the face. They mean I must be socially awkward, or I’d be married with 2.5 kids by now. Throughout college i tested myself, went to parties, hung out, went to bars. I function just as well as everybody in these situations. I could enjoy myself and have fun conversations, and so on. Nothing was wrong. Im sick of people assuming something is wrong because I don’t want a boyfriend. They assume the reason for me not having a boyfriend is that I can’t get one, rather than that I don’t want one.

I’ve told people this and they get all sorts of uncomfortable. When I was younger, some would say things about me and insult my supposed inability to get a boyfriend. When i did get a boyfriend (and we stayed together for 5 years), then they said other things. They told me I would change my mind about not wanting to get married or have kids. They said Id eventually develop romantic feelings. i never did. I still felt like he was my platonic friend, even though I had sex with him. Then people assumed I was gay.

But why do they care? I understand it’s something about the status quo. People want to fit in and want everybody else to fit in, and when they don’t, they question their motives. I’m not asexual to piss anybody off, I’m asexual and aromantic because that’s just how I am. People suggest I should just fake it and live a lie, but that strikes me as rather cruel to any potential partner (assuming that partner was sexual/romantic).

I watched South Park last night. Stan turned 10 and suddenly pop music sounded “like shit” to him, as well as popular movies and so on. This reminded me of myself in a way. Other people see romance and relationships as some of the best stuff in life. That one penis-pump commercial calls sex “the best part of life,” and they aren’t just talking about the sex act, but the emotional part and attraction to ones partner. Most people relate to that, but I think it all sounds sort of shitty, and that’s why it holds no interest.

There is just some very basic misunderstanding when people try to tell me I’m wrong about my asexuality, and that is what irks me. I also REALLY hate the gender based assumptions that, because I am female, I MUST want babies, marriage, and romance.

This week I have relatives in town, and so many of them seem so worried about other people’s sex lives. It’s interesting to me that the kids in my generation of my family are unmarried without children. I’m not saying that they will stay that way, just that our priorities seem different.

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Bullying and asexuality

It occurs to me that a lot of the self esteem issues I had as a kid/teen were related to sexuality. As a teen, my friends were a bit nutty and hormonal, and they’d get mad for stupid reasons and say hurtful things. Others were hurtful because they didn’t say anything. I remember one “friend” got mad at me and tried to insult me by saying I “couldn’t get a boyfriend.” It didn’t occur to her that I didn’t want one. Other times, someone would insult my appearance and my “friends” just would not stand up for me. Like once I was in a Halloween costume. Someone said, “Is that a girl?” and this was followed by, “Oh, it’s an ugly girl.” I was dressed as a the grim reaper, by the way, with a skull painted on my face. I didn’t understand the competitiveness, comparing one “friend” to the next, deciding who was prettier. Who cares? Guys would say I shouldn’t wear certain clothes because I was not “hot.”

One of the reasons it bothered me was not because it was intended to undermine my sense of attractiveness, but rather, because I had no idea why any of this should even matter. When I was 14 my friends were horrified that I was still a virgin, and determined to “help me get laid.” I didn’t know any better, I thought they might be right. They pitied me for being single or not “getting any,” and I sort of pitied them for always needing to be in a relationship and for spending so much time worrying over whether or not they were “getting any.”

And it still goes on, in a way. I’ve decided that I don’t care what people think, I am happy how I am. This has caused me to stop talking to many people who are unable or unwilling to accept me how I am. It’s still frustrating on some level, though. Why are people so concerned with other people’s sex lives and relationships?

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Coming to terms with my entire life history

Well, my 30th birthday is on the horizon and I’ve realized some things. Health problems aside, I am ok. I am happy (except for health problems). I think exploring my sexuality (or more appropriately, lack of sexual attraction for others) has been a big part of it, as well as deciding to designate myself as somewhere between transgender and gender-neutral, and gaining self confidence for once in my life.

How did I gain this happiness and confidence? Strangely, by getting rid of a lot of people who were poisonous to me. Most of all, J–, who I’ve known for some 22 years. I realized she didn’t give a damn about me at all and only used me or called me up when convenient for her, and I didn’t need that. She also was mean-spirited. As for S–, well, our paths went in different directions, she’s the stereotypical soccer mom now, and we have nothing in common. J–, well, I still talk to her once or twice a year, and strangely, I feel connected to her in ways I don’t feel connected to any of the others. We’re not close anymore, though. Pretty much everyone else I know is a completely toxic person, and I’m better off without them. Most of all, they always expected me to be there for them, but no one was ever there for me when I needed a friend. I feel like a stronger person from that, but I’m not necessarily happy about it.
being single
My whole life, people have pitied me for the stupidest reasons. In high school, I wasn’t terribly interested in romantic relationships, so everyone though I was socially inept. My “friends” were subtly abusive about it, or even directly abusive, calling me ugly and saying I couldn’t get a guy. Even S–, if we were in the high school hallway, guys would hit on her and make fun of her “ugly friend,” and she never stood up for me. I was in good shape, I was on the cross country team, etc., I lifted weights, yet my mom always called me fat and told me I shouldn’t wear certain clothes because of it. I internalized all of this for years, that I was socially inept, fat, ugly, and generally loathsome. Even when I had a relationship for 5 or so years, I considered him a best friend more than a boyfriend. I mean that I didn’t precisely have the sexual and emotional connections that exist in most couples, and I know that this hurt him because I was not affectionate in that way. But still, it never occurred to me until recently that the reason I didn’t pursue relationships was that I didn’t want relationships! That I was happier without them. In short, that there was nothing wrong with me for not wanting a boyfriend. If it caused me distress to be single, then it would perhaps be something that needed fixing. As it is, it’s actually my ideal state.
being sexy
So anyway, it was not other cliques or the media or society that destroyed my self esteem as a kid; it was my friends. And it was because they couldn’t grasp the idea that I was not exactly like them. I didn’t want to preen in front of mirrors all day so the boys would want to fuck me. I didn’t base my self worth on my appearance. Even in sexual relationships, I have never felt “sexy” at all, and I hated kissing and foreplay. I don’t wear “sexy” female clothes because I feel neither sexy nor female. I don’t understand the biological clock thing, and babies freak me out. So does the idea of pregnancy. It’s not that I wish I had a male body, precisely, it’s more that I wish I DIDN’T have a female body. And not just aesthetically, either. I mean that having a female body causes people to make all these assumptions about me that are not true and don’t fit with me at all.
what i want in life
My relatives still think I am “backwards” because I am not married yet and don’t have kids, and they can’t understand that I NEVER want to be married or have kids. If I could have a fantasy situation, anything I wanted, my vision of utopia would be a comfortable amount of money in the bank, no debt, a small house somewhat away from the neighbors, a car, and a dog. That’s it. And peace and quiet to engage in hobbies like playing music or drawing. My relatives also say this shit because I am not extroverted. So for many years I thought there was something wrong with me socially, because everyone told me there was. Slowly, I realized that I get on as well as everyone else in social situations, I just don’t desire them as much! There is nothing wrong with me socially, I just prefer to be alone most of the time.

My mom bases her whole value on social things, having friends, doing stuff, etc. and can’t understand that I don’t. She thinks I’m an embarrassment to the family because I don’t have a husband and 2.5 kids; because I’m not “normal.” She takes personal offense, as though I’m only doing it to piss her off personally.
being trans?
As for calling myself trans, I didn’t for a long time because I honestly considered myself to be “not queer enough.” Eventually I realized that how much I hate being seen as female is a big part of my existence and worldview. It’s why gender issues are one of the few causes I care about. Anthropology classes helped me a lot, but didn’t make me any less cynical regarding humans. I understand that gender is socially constructed, and there are many reasons why people would want to live up to the expectations for their gender and to not want to change anything. Still, people’s rigid thinking and bigotry makes me want to punch people. People think that because I have a vagina, I have a maternal instinct, that I’m overly emotional, that I’m romantic and want kids. I’m polite, but I am one of the least “nurturing” folks you’ll ever meet.

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