Well, my 30th birthday is on the horizon and I’ve realized some things. Health problems aside, I am ok. I am happy (except for health problems). I think exploring my sexuality (or more appropriately, lack of sexual attraction for others) has been a big part of it, as well as deciding to designate myself as somewhere between transgender and gender-neutral, and gaining self confidence for once in my life.
How did I gain this happiness and confidence? Strangely, by getting rid of a lot of people who were poisonous to me. Most of all, J–, who I’ve known for some 22 years. I realized she didn’t give a damn about me at all and only used me or called me up when convenient for her, and I didn’t need that. She also was mean-spirited. As for S–, well, our paths went in different directions, she’s the stereotypical soccer mom now, and we have nothing in common. J–, well, I still talk to her once or twice a year, and strangely, I feel connected to her in ways I don’t feel connected to any of the others. We’re not close anymore, though. Pretty much everyone else I know is a completely toxic person, and I’m better off without them. Most of all, they always expected me to be there for them, but no one was ever there for me when I needed a friend. I feel like a stronger person from that, but I’m not necessarily happy about it.
My whole life, people have pitied me for the stupidest reasons. In high school, I wasn’t terribly interested in romantic relationships, so everyone though I was socially inept. My “friends” were subtly abusive about it, or even directly abusive, calling me ugly and saying I couldn’t get a guy. Even S–, if we were in the high school hallway, guys would hit on her and make fun of her “ugly friend,” and she never stood up for me. I was in good shape, I was on the cross country team, etc., I lifted weights, yet my mom always called me fat and told me I shouldn’t wear certain clothes because of it. I internalized all of this for years, that I was socially inept, fat, ugly, and generally loathsome. Even when I had a relationship for 5 or so years, I considered him a best friend more than a boyfriend. I mean that I didn’t precisely have the sexual and emotional connections that exist in most couples, and I know that this hurt him because I was not affectionate in that way. But still, it never occurred to me until recently that the reason I didn’t pursue relationships was that I didn’t want relationships! That I was happier without them. In short, that there was nothing wrong with me for not wanting a boyfriend. If it caused me distress to be single, then it would perhaps be something that needed fixing. As it is, it’s actually my ideal state.
So anyway, it was not other cliques or the media or society that destroyed my self esteem as a kid; it was my friends. And it was because they couldn’t grasp the idea that I was not exactly like them. I didn’t want to preen in front of mirrors all day so the boys would want to fuck me. I didn’t base my self worth on my appearance. Even in sexual relationships, I have never felt “sexy” at all, and I hated kissing and foreplay. I don’t wear “sexy” female clothes because I feel neither sexy nor female. I don’t understand the biological clock thing, and babies freak me out. So does the idea of pregnancy. It’s not that I wish I had a male body, precisely, it’s more that I wish I DIDN’T have a female body. And not just aesthetically, either. I mean that having a female body causes people to make all these assumptions about me that are not true and don’t fit with me at all.
what i want in life
My relatives still think I am “backwards” because I am not married yet and don’t have kids, and they can’t understand that I NEVER want to be married or have kids. If I could have a fantasy situation, anything I wanted, my vision of utopia would be a comfortable amount of money in the bank, no debt, a small house somewhat away from the neighbors, a car, and a dog. That’s it. And peace and quiet to engage in hobbies like playing music or drawing. My relatives also say this shit because I am not extroverted. So for many years I thought there was something wrong with me socially, because everyone told me there was. Slowly, I realized that I get on as well as everyone else in social situations, I just don’t desire them as much! There is nothing wrong with me socially, I just prefer to be alone most of the time.
My mom bases her whole value on social things, having friends, doing stuff, etc. and can’t understand that I don’t. She thinks I’m an embarrassment to the family because I don’t have a husband and 2.5 kids; because I’m not “normal.” She takes personal offense, as though I’m only doing it to piss her off personally.
As for calling myself trans, I didn’t for a long time because I honestly considered myself to be “not queer enough.” Eventually I realized that how much I hate being seen as female is a big part of my existence and worldview. It’s why gender issues are one of the few causes I care about. Anthropology classes helped me a lot, but didn’t make me any less cynical regarding humans. I understand that gender is socially constructed, and there are many reasons why people would want to live up to the expectations for their gender and to not want to change anything. Still, people’s rigid thinking and bigotry makes me want to punch people. People think that because I have a vagina, I have a maternal instinct, that I’m overly emotional, that I’m romantic and want kids. I’m polite, but I am one of the least “nurturing” folks you’ll ever meet.